Humbling

The road of life is mostly a dirt road. It's not smooth, that's for sure. Then there are those ruts caused by washouts to navigate. And just when one feels it is smooth traveling again, then its time to grow some more. Growing hurts. I wonder if it hurts plants to grow. I will be more tender with the garden in the future and more mindful of its needs.

In the midst of my inquiries of God of those things inside me that needed changed, I was made aware of my "numbness." I knew in my head, I can't rely on myself to protect me from life's bumps, only God. But then I keep forgetting - well, actually I guess it just plumped on down to my heart where I could really say, "Sorry, God, I really am tired to trying to be God, here I give it back to you."

Sitting on the front porch Halloween night, the fire ants ate a big chunk out of my toe because I have no feeling in it. I guess things were eating a big chunk out of my heart because I had numbed it. Still, I have to learn how to take the whacks of life without using the "numb mode." I wish I had a printed step by step directions!

Going to Meet the King

A study question. How does God see us, me? The answer I received was that He sees me as His Princess. I pouted - I would rather be seen as His Queen, after all I am mature so to speak in the Lord, am I not?

I reached for Grandson's children's dictionary and found that the definition for Princess is...the daughter of a King and a noble woman of high rank. Well, that I am, and impressed that because I'm his daughter, I am his princess. Does that dream ever die in girls, that desire to be Daddy's princess?

But, like a little girl standing in her mother's dress pretending she is a Queen, peering at her mother and her father's relationship, deeper and different than that of a princess, she begins to understand the difference. She is too small for the Queen's dress, in fact it will only fit her when she matures.

I turn back to the dictionary: Queen is defined as a ruler from a royal family who rules a country, the wife of a King...is this the maturity I, as His princess, work toward? Doesn't the Word say that the King is coming, and coming for His bride? I am eager. But I am not in bridal finery yet.

He smiles and He's telling me to be patient, he's smiling gently. He's willing to wait for me! How precious is that? He's not pulling, pushing, or manipulating and He does more than wait. Like Esther called to the King's palace, my Beloved is drawing me to His secret place where He prepares me, washes me, anoints me, smooths my hair, and sings songs of love to me. Awesome! The King himself prepares me to be his Queen. I suddenly think I am too poor, I come with no dowry! Looking into His eyes, I see my dowry - that of the Lord Jesus Christ's priceless blood.

What does he want of me? He wants my love, my adoration, He wants me to treat others as He treats me as I make the journey to be His bride. Like Esther, I will be pampered, but I will be strong, and I will be able to do what He's called me to do when I rule with Him.

The Red Sea

Well, I've been to the mountaintop, but now..........fighting a plunge into depression. Our sermon today was about dumping the negative thinking. This has been in my mind for days - I quit watching news as of today - trying to rise above the very negative comments from the world out there and also that come out of the mouths of my family members. I feel like I am in an incredible battle since coming home from church. Sheesh! I guess Pastor said there would be one - but he also said, "Don't do it!" Oh, I'm trying - help, help, help, Lord!

It's not helping that the anniversary of my son's death, and his birthday a week earlier are rapidly coming up. Because of the Song of Solomon, I know, I just know, he is so much happier now, but it still hurts. When I thought I might die a few months back, it hit me right square in the face - there are a lot of people I know up in heaven! It won't be like moving to a strange town. Will we still have these battles up there? In heaven? I think we might - I think about the verse where the onlookers from heaven are looking down and the earth and asking God how long He is going to allow what is going on - they are concerned.

Enough thinking, back to the battle front.

Song of Solomon

Oh, my! I have started a study with Mamma Hug's group.

It is all about my last question: Who am I to God?

Well - I'm His princess, soon to be his bride. What an exciting adventure we are on in the group. I am relaxing more as I study and sit and listen to what God is saying to me. He's saying "Come away my love...." He's inviting me to go on a romantic, adventurous journey - this is WAY better than Fabio - this new guy (GOD) in my life - he is a King! He is wealthy - He owns the universe and all that is in it. He's generous, he's never mad at me, He is patient....and most of all He loves me madly.

Amazing, one-half of my physical pain is gone! Remember how sometimes we didn't feel good, but we would have a date with a special guy and then we felt much better....or is it the presence of this new Lover of me that heals me..........? How many times as women have we sought after a man, just sure that the glow we were feeling would last forever, that this guy was the answer to our problems.....well, too many times years ago for me, only to be let down hard....my heart had given up on love.....now - He comes! Love comes for me!

More later!

Who am I to God?

Sometimes I wonder.

I wondered why man was special. Why we can't just swim like the fish and not worry so much. Do fish worry?

Then I remembered we are created in the image of God, to be His/Her friend. Now, that makes us special. Ok, the answer comes quickly at times. Does God worry?

I bet He does.

Reflecting Back....

I slipped in tonight to re-read this post/blog and re-evaluate. I am ashamed to say my journey was interrupted by moving, pain, transition, illness. I am pleased to say the night communes with God, when I did them, were sweet. But there were many nights of lying awake with worry hanging over me. Nights of going over the past, over and over - what could I have done differently? I felt resolute, that my journey in Wyoming was exactly what it was supposed to be.

I still lie awake thinking of jobs. Wondering what has gone wrong. I've had some pretty responsible positions for pretty long periods of time. I've always felt like, even when successful, that I had my shoes on the wrong feet so to speak. Smiling right now, my friend Linda, can tell you I have outright physical manifestations of spiritual realities - like wearing two different shoes once in a while? So maybe the places I have been have been the right place, right time, wrong fit.

Now, I don't know where the fit is. I had a long correspondence with my previous pastor about prophecy. General prophecy and personal prophecy. Don't we all want to know what is going to happen to us, and that it is going to be good, and grand, and wonderful? Don't we want to know there is a God or something that is indeed in control of this world that is spinning, some say in a wobbling manner, but still spinning through the galaxy? Don't we want to know the outcome of a matter? Yes, I do, always. But sometimes we just go on with faith, faith that we are not alone, not totally alone in our struggles. But I want my faith to be placed in an absolute, not a something.

The painting above, based on the verse in Revelations 22:2 is painted by my son. I thought the image was fitting for my reflections tonight. I love this mysterious verse in the Bible - I have based the last ten years on it - "....the leaves of the trees are for the healing of the nations." Wouldn't it be something - if our nations could be healed?

Personally, I think the painting is telling me that I am the tree and although I weather storms, still there are leaves, and I am planted by the Living Water, and my leaves contain healing when I am kind and loving, and yes, resolute, and determined for my family and my friends. Everyone says I'm so strong. The only strength I know is to have my roots reaching into that life sustaining water..........

DAY ONE

The purpose of this blog is to share my search for God in the midst of major transition and shift in my life, and to share the things I learn with those who want to walk along as well. What I hope to gain: I want direction. I want purity in the direction. I want to walk with God all the time, not just when I slow down to listen, I want to learn to listen to that voice all the time.

My husband gave me a book for Christmas which he often does. I usually think, "Oh, another book," and then what do ya know, its a book that changes me. For the best, I hope. This one is titled "Reordering Your Day" by Chuck Pierce. At first I thought, well, this is impossible. The book speaks of four Biblical "Watches" in the night. Praying and reading the Bible four times a night - impossible! That was my first reaction. Then I began to think, "why not?" For twenty one days. Why not. I will live with long periods of silence (since most of my audio is broken anyway) and listening. I will wake in the night I hope for 21 nights. And I will expect a miracle in my life.

DAY ONE

Around 6 pm I read Matthew 14:50-23 - Jesus pulled aside to a deserted place and went to the Mountain by himself to pray. I tried to quiet myself and asked God to remove all distractions. I began to twitch, my eyes wandered, my mind even more so, and I felt like a bit of a failure.

11:00 pm I read Exodus 11, emphasizing verse 4. Moses went out to the midst of Egypt at midnight. I asked God to intervene and deliver me. Considering my job or lack of it situation and the attacks I've had, ruptured discs, accusations, etc., I sincerely want intervention. I still feel midly distracted

3:00 am - Cockcrow - when Peter denied Jesus - I felt a bit of grief thinking how lazy my mind had become in spiritual things because of all I have been battling and realized the battle would be easier with God as my general in command.

6:39 am - well, I couldn't sleep anyway, so I battled an upset stomach and read Exodus 14, especially verse 24 when God looked down at the approaching Egyptians and "troubled" them. I asked Him to likewise trouble those enemies coming after me, I prayed for them to be confused. Well, yah, God go for it! Part of this watch though said to wait for the presence of God. I waited and waited. Couldn't sleep. Couldn't feel Him. But I knew He heard my words.

I'm waiting. I have a sense of anticipation and excitment!

So what did the day bring? The Sheriff knocking at my door wanting a key I forgot to turn in at the office. He was kind and sort of apologetic, bless his heart. But I had a horrible dread of him showing me a search warrant - which was uh, definitely unwarranted - he took the key and left. I thought, ok I prayed for God to vanquish my enemies, essentially, and one of them sends law enforcement to my door rather than to wait for me to walk the key in to her office in the afternoon.

My lesson: Don't expect a miracle the first day out. Maybe the short visit with the Sheriff was a miracle. Don't judge anything yet. Keep on trusting - God, and my "gut."